Pornography and Marriage : A Personal Account: Part Two {Science and Resources}

In my last blog post I shared my personal account of pornography and other sex addiction within my marriage.  While it’s normal and understandable as the wife of a sex addict to take your husband’s “acting out” personally, I have found it extremely helpful to understand the science behind pornography and other sex addiction as a path to my healing.  Personal healing in this journey cannot be overemphasized.  It’s natural to want to hurry up and “fix” the addict but the trauma to spouses as a result of their husband’s sex addiction is very real and also must be dealt with.  One question I had was why was my husband viewing pornography when I had literally never rejected him sexually even one time.  Never.  So I started researching what pornography does to the brain.  It’s not pretty.  Read More »

Pornography and Marriage : A Personal Account

“My broken heart weeps blood and tears from shattered vows, promises, and the thought of all that was lost.  My soul aches for truth, justice, and righteousness.  I need a real man and hero to stand against the evil, to protect me, to value our marriage and family like I do.  I look at myself in the mirror and wonder who I have become.  The pain masks my true self.  I feel like an old toy that was discarded and then brought out again, but for how long?  I’m scared.  Some days the grace flows freely, but other days I feel so very alone.  I am divided within myself, and I wonder how my own husband could betray me in such a perverse way.  Sometimes compassion and forgiveness is easy.  Sometimes the wound is too fresh.  I am in so much pain that I feel I might break in two.  How can I face this and move forward?  Supernatural power has carried me so far.  How long until that is gone?  I must seem so foolish to John.  A naive little housewife who wasn’t skinny enough or sexy enough, and who is now too stupid and weak to stand up for herself.  Why must I search for answers?  Maybe there aren’t any, and maybe there is no way to explain this horrible nightmare or find any redemption in it.  Maybe God will bring me true peace someday.  Today I am in turmoil, divided, and sad.”  That is my diary entry from 3 months after my husband’s first official disclosure that my suspicions of 19 years were true and he did, in fact, have a pornography addiction. Read More »